"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR SETH MEYERS– "It's official, for the next four years, it will be pronounced 'nuclear.'"

MEYERS – "On Monday, first lady Laura Bush gave Michelle Obama a private tour of their residence, without once taking her hand off her pocketbook."

MEYERS– "Aides to Barack Obama are preparing a major expansion of the White House communications operation, which will enable them to reach out through the Internet directly to the many Obama supporters they collected during the campaign. I just hope he's not one of these guys who updates his Facebook status every five seconds."

MEYERS– "Barack Obama met with Hillary Clinton on Friday to see if she would be interested in a role in his administration. 'Of course,' said Hillary. 'I'll take President.'"

MEYERS– "Thomas Beatie, the pregnant man who appeared on 'Oprah' and gave birth last June to a baby girl is pregnant again. What's his secret? (WHISPERING) He has a uterus and a vagina."

MEYERS – "Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24-inch television set from a store. The man said he would have paid for it, but he couldn't reach his wallet."

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"Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24-inch television set from a store. Man, how lazy are your employees when they don't stop a guy from kicking a TV out the front door?"

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"One more? Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24-inch television set from a store. Ah, the old 'no finger' discount."

MEYERS – "Last week, the state of California passed … Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24-inch television set from a store. Police said it was an easy arrest as the suspect was unarmed."

MEYERS– "'Sopranos' actor Tony Sirico debuted a new cologne this week named for his TV character Paulie Walnuts called 'Paulo Per Uomo,' which is Italian for Paul for Men. It is expected to do slightly better than 'Big Pussy's feminine hygiene spray.'"

MEYERS– "The mayor of a small town in Turkey called Batman, is suing 'Dark Knight' director Christopher Nolan and Warner Brothers, for using the city's name without permission. Among those paying careful attention to the outcome of the case: the mayor of Incredible Hulk, Armenia."

MEYERS—"Madonna reportedly told a friend that A-Rod 'has the heart of a poet trapped inside an insanely gorgeous body.' A-Rod then said Madonna has the heart of a gorgeous woman trapped inside the body of a velociraptor."

MEYERS– "Will Smith, Tom Cruise and Rush Limbaugh are among Barbara Walters' 10 Most Fascinating People of 2008. Which proves, if nothing else, that Barbara Walters is easily fascinated."