"WEEKEND UPDATE" CO-ANCHOR AMY POEHLER "Illinois Govenor Rod Blagojevich was arrested Tuesday for trying to sell Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat. When agents arrived at his house, Blagojevich asked for 5 minutes to pack up his things and 8 hours to brush his hair."

POEHLER "Prosecutors said Tuesday that there is no evidence that Barack Obama was involved in the Blagojevich scandal. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Is Barack Obama involved in the Blagojevich scandal?'"

"WEEKEND UPDATE" CO-ANCHOR SETH MEYERS "Same-sex marriage supporters urged people to skip work by 'calling in gay' on Wednesday as part of 'Day Without A Gay.' I thought about doing it, but I do not want to use up all my gay days."

MEYERS "According to new scientific research, Jesus was not born in December because the Christmas star that was in the sky over Bethlehem appeared in June that year. So Christmas is cancelled kids, and once again you can thank science."

POEHLER "Barack Obama this week named Nobel Prize-winning physicist Steve Chu as his Energy secretary, unless he was just sneezing."

POEHLER "The New York Post reported this week that possible senatorial contender Caroline Kennedy had a small butterfly tattooed on her arm during a family vacation in the '80s. Not to be outdone, Ted got sleeved."

MEYERS "A man in Nebraska who was dubbed the "Butt Bandit," for making greasy imprints of his naked rear-end on windows, has been sentenced to more than a year in jail. In jail he will introduce himself to people as 'Jeff.'"

MEYERS "Many restaurants in San Francisco are reporting that business has significantly dropped off and that people who do eat out order what are called "non'tres," which is when people share appetizers instead of ordering full meals. In other news, nobody calls them that."

POEHLER "The FDA this week unanimously approved a less-costly version of the female condom. Hear that ladies, the female condoms you wouldn't use in a zillion years are now cheaper."

POEHLER "Wal-Mart has announced plans to sell a 99-dollar version of the iPhone at their stores. However it will be lacking some of the iPhone features, like the camera and the touch screen and the ability to make calls and it's just a calculator."

MEYERS "It was announced this week that Michael Jackson's famous glittery glove will be auctioned off next week. Man, if that glove could talk, it would probably apologize to a lot of kids."

MEYERS "A man in Arkansas this past weekend flew over a river in a jetpack powered only by hair bleach. But was disappointed, when he reached the other side, to discover he was still an idiot."

MEYERS "Despite his recent arrest on Federal corruption charges and calls from the Illinois Attorney General for him to step down, Governor Rod Blagojevich has yet to resign. Which brings us to a segment we like to call 'Really?!? with Seth and Amy.'

MEYERS "Really, Blagojevich? You're not going to resign? Really? Because you should resign. Even Illinois politicians are saying you should resign and when Illinois politicians think you're too corrupt, you're too corrupt. That's like Amy Winehouse telling you to go to rehab. Really?"

POEHLER "And really? It's 2008, did you not know that people tap phones? Really? Have you never seen a TV show or a film? When you do something illegal, you need to speak in code. When I call up my weed dealer and I ask for 50 dollars of circus tickets, you know what he doesn't give me? Circus tickets."

MEYERS "And really? Did you think you'd get away with this? George Ryan, the governor before you is in jail for pretty much the same thing when people are burned they become vigilant. My friend once brought a girl home who turned out to be a dude. So every time he meets a girl, you can bet he checks for an Adam's Apple."

POEHLER "Really? That really happened to Seth's friend? And I know it's beside the point, but the hair? Really? It looks like you're wearing a toupee that's also wearing a toupee."

MEYERS "Really? It's like you have a proceeding hairline? Is that really your hair or did you grow out your eyebrows and comb them up."

POEHLER "Really? It's like someone put the hair on backwards on one of those Fisher Price people. Really? The first time I saw you I thought you were walking away."

MEYERS "Really? Blagojevich, you're supposed to put the Rogaine on the crown, not the forehead. I thought you had a bad temper, but maybe your head is just hot from being under that bearskin rug."

MEYERS/POEHLER -- Really? Huh? Really? Wow!

DON PARDO (V.O.) "This has been 'Really, with Seth and Amy.'"

POEHLER "Three employees of a KFC in California have been suspended for bathing in a deep sink used to clean dishes. Which makes me wonder, where is this magical, mythical KFC that has dishes?"

POEHLER "Kiss announced that next year they will record their first new album since 1998. 'That's awesome,' said the guy who still lives in your hometown."

POEHLER "According to new research, obese women have more sex than thin women. The study was conducted by the prestigious 'Sir Mix-a-Lot Institute For Big Butt Sciences.'"

MEYERS "Police in New York arrested two coeds from the Fashion Institute of Technology for allegedly dealing cocaine from their dorm room. Though, in fairness, at F.I.T that is a major."