"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR SETH MEYERS - "On Thursday, someone was finally turned down for a bailout."

MEYERS - "In a speech Tuesday President Obama outlined new education goals that propose longer school days and longer school years. "That's a brilliant idea!" said Catherine, the 5th grader nobody likes."

MEYERS - "President Barack Obama said on Monday that human cloning is dangerous, profoundly wrong and has no place in society. An opinion he formed after coming home to find Obama-2.0 in bed with Michelle."

MEYERS - "This week, Wall Street and the entire financial world were stunned and frightened by the sudden appearance of this mysterious symbol." (green arrow pointing upward)

MEYERS - "Lawmakers in New Jersey are proposing a ban on Brazilian waxing. If it passes New Jersey will change its nickname to the Over-Grown Garden State."

MEYERS - "San Francisco officials are cracking down on spontaneous gatherings organized on the Internet, after a pillow fight cost the city 20,000 dollars to clean up the feathers. Though you would think that in San Francisco, "feather cleanup" would be included in the city budget."

MEYERS - "A rabbi in Massachusetts has created a Purim party bus in which students from various local colleges can ride around and celebrate the Jewish holiday. Because when I hear "rabbi" I think 'someone who knows how to put together a party bus.'"

MEYERS - A man in Pennsylvania, who was pulled over for a DWI, claimed that the police had no jurisdiction over him because he was his own country saying, "I live inside myself, not in Pennsylvania." And in international news, the Republic of Carl was just beaten with some nightsticks."

MEYERS - "As GPS units become common features in cars and cell phones, more drivers are encountering map inaccuracies causing them to drive off the road. Though if you're that easily persuaded to just plow right into the woods, maybe driving's not for you."

MEYERS - "Kevin Richardson, an animal trainer at a preserve in South Africa, said this week that he likes to swim with Meg, a 400 pound lioness that lives there. You can read all about it in his upcoming and almost certainly unfinished autobiography."

MEYERS - "A man in California is building a boat made out of recycled plastic bottles and plans to sail it to Australia. Hopefully from 50 feet away from Australia."