"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR SETH MEYERS - "USA! USA! After a massive recall due to faulty accelerators, the Secretary of Transportation on Wednesday told owners of Toyotas that they should stop driving the vehicles. Said Toyota owners, 'we're trying!'"

MEYERS - "Newly elected Republican Senator Scott Brown said in an interview that he opposes federal funding for abortions but thinks women should have the right to choose whether to have one. So he's fiscally conservative but socially John Edwards."

MEYERS - "The Democrats super-majority of 60 seats officially ended Thursday when Brown was sworn in as the new Senator from Massachusetts. Oh man, and JUST when they were getting nowhere. But it was a crazy ride. Let's take a moment to remember the accomplishments of the Democrat's 60 seat super-majority."

MEYERS - "France has created the world's largest condom, which is 120 feet tall and will be filled with helium and flown around the world to mark World AIDS Day. Though I'm guessing it will eventually end up in the gutter in front of my building."

MEYERS - "According to a new survey, the drunkest city in the country is Fresno, California. To give you an idea of just how drunk, the city's actual name is Frenzo."

MEYERS - "MTV announced that new episodes of Jersey Shore will air this summer with the popular cast leaving the Jersey Shore and going to a "new destination." Said an MTV executive, 'hey, if it ain't broke, break it.'"

MEYERS - "A woman in Pennsylvania was arrested this week on animal cruelty charges for offering to make "gothic kittens" by piercing their ears and neck. So needless to say, it was much less of a hit than her emo puppies."

MEYERS - "This Tuesday was the 33rd Annual Empire State Building Run-up, in which participants race up 86 flights of stairs in the historic building. Meanwhile, I almost cried because I walked three flights down to the laundry

room before I realized I forgot to bring quarters."

MEYERS - "Cosmopolitan magazine declared in its latest issue that "the thong is dead." They're basing that assertion on Cisqo's new hit single 'The Classic Full Brief Song.'"

MEYERS - "Police in Germany say that a woman watching the sunset on a webcam spotted a man lost on the frozen North Sea and saved his life by alerting authorities. But who's going to save the life of the woman who watches sunsets on a webcam?"

MEYERS - "A new study has been published documenting a cat living in a nursing home in Rhode Island, that can accurately predict which patients are about to die. Either that, or cats like to sleep next to whoever moves around the least. It's still nice to now the last thing those old people see is the face of the terrifying Death Cat."

MEYERS - "Residents of an apartment building in New York are upset after learning that their building superintendent is a registered sex offender. On the plus side, if I know supers, it's going to take him forever to get around to molesting their kids."